


Wonderwall

by trecediecisieteveintitres



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28005543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trecediecisieteveintitres/pseuds/trecediecisieteveintitres
Summary: Juliana doesn't want help, but Valentina is exactly what she needs to mend her broken soul.
Relationships: Valentina Carvajal & Juliana Valdés, Valentina Carvajal/Juliana Valdés
Comments: 22
Kudos: 88





	Wonderwall

**Author's Note:**

> TW: for mentions of domestic violence

  


Agreeing to come to this meeting had undoubtedly been one of the worst decisions made lately. 

Honestly, all she wanted was for her cousin Renata to stop insisting day and night with the same thing.

Juliana didn't need this. 

Not anymore. 

True, there was a time when running away from her uncle’s house, the one who had taken her in after everything that happened, with the intention to get lost in this city that had so many hidden places and use the little money she had to buy a bottle of the cheapest liquor she could find was an everyday thing, but who could blame her?

Juliana had had to face all that being practically a child. 

It did not take Renata's parents long to realize her low grades, her bad mood, her clandestine outings, the missing cash, her alcoholic breath making obvious in what she had spent that money and the numerous scars that remained in her soul with what happened.

They did not take long to provide the help Juliana needed to build a new life despite the cracks in her heart. 

And although she had not believed it possible at that time, with the passing of the years and the therapy, she had finally managed to smile again, to believe that there was a reason to stay here, to think about the present and to hope for a better future ... or at least that's what she had convinced them to believe about her. 

Now, that close call of a relapse that happened a month ago had only been a moment of weakness in which the memories of that day returned to her mind like an avalanche that menacing with annihilate everything she had been building up until then.

That day, her feet led her somehow to buy a couple of bottles of mezcal and take them home afterwards more out of inertia than anything else. Then she placed them on the coffee table watching them intensely while she debated whether to open one of them or not and Renata entered minutes later finding this scene before her eyes.

Of course it all looked bad. 

But Juliana had done nothing. 

Really

Deep within herself she knew that she would have ended up emptying the contents of those bottles without tasting a drop of that liquid that at times threatened to seduce her, but for more than 10 years it had not won the battle. 

Her cousin, however, was not someone to let things go easily. So, after pouring the mezcal into the sink, rinsing it so that no traces of its scent remained, she had sat down to talk to her trying to convince her to attend one of those support groups only as a precaution, and since then, there was not a day that she did not bring that same suggestion accompanied by more and more information, brochures, phone numbers, web pages and social media accounts.

She didn't think she needed them. She never did. Getting out of that episode of her life was the total work of Renata's family, the therapist, and herself. It didn't require anything else, but she was so tired of hearing the other woman list all the reasons why this was a good idea that she had ended up giving in.

Now she was there, occupying a seat in that circle where a group of strangers took turns to talk about their days, their thoughts, their _feelings,_ something in which Juliana felt terribly deficient because she did not like vulnerability that comes with talking about personal matters. Much less when it was in front of people with whom she had what ... twenty minutes of knowing them? 

The girl with glasses who was participating right now was about to finish and the chair next to her was empty, so she was feeling a bit nervous because each time this happened, they randomly chose someone to continue the conversation.

The applause that followed the young woman's speech began to fade little by little inversely proportional to her anxiety, and the moderator of the group was about to speak when someone else's female voice cut off his nascent speech. 

“Good afternoon everyone, _sorry_ for the delay, I swear I left home super early but the traffic in Reforma is horrible and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry ... I'm here, next time I'll take another route or try...”

The woman continued to apologize as she settled into one of the vacant chairs and greeted the rest of the people, making it very clear that several of them had known each other for some time.

The feminine tone of her voice was a little lost in her head as her eyes registered in detail that elegant figure, the sway of her long brown hair that oscillated with each one of her movements, the smoothness of her skin so distinguishable at first glance, the smile that matched perfectly with her lively way of speaking but contrasted so much with the subjects that were discussed in there, the perfect form of her full lips and her eyes ... for her eyes she could not even think of any adjective that would do them justice. 

Juliana felt an emptiness in her chest when she realized that her meticulous observation had been discovered by that blue gaze that now focused on her with a special brightness, and a gesture of curiosity combined with joy, making her look away immediately. 

The mood in the room had completely changed with the arrival of this woman. 

Was it strange to feel that she was a light in the middle of that circle of dark souls?

“New people?” asked the girl without taking her eyes off the dark-haired woman. 

“Oh yes!” exclaimed Rubén, the moderator, positioning himself back to the center of the circle “today we have a new company, Mauricio is over there” he pointed to a man in his 40’s, thin and with a clear problem of alopecia “and this is Juliana” he extended his arm towards her who managed to make eye contact with the brunette, nod once nervously and look back at her feet “Mauricio, Juliana ... this is Valentina. One of our oldest members. Valentina, would you like to say something before continuing?”

The joy was even more accentuated in the beautiful woman's features when she heard this proposal and from her seat, she began to give a speech that kept everyone very attentive. 

Juliana did not believe that anyone would be able to speak for so long and so quickly without exhausting themselves, but there was the girl ... uhm ... _Valentina_ , giving them a welcome speech that consumed a huge portion of the time available. That meant that the dark-haired girl had much more to thank her for than the slight distraction she had generated when she arrived, because hardly a couple more people managed to talk about some of their experiences after her participation. 

Juliana, of course, not being one of them. 

At the end of the meeting, Juliana took her folding chair and placed it against the wall where the others left theirs. 

Well, after this she could tell Renata that she had already come here but had no intention of returning because ...

“Hey” a voice interrupted making her straighten her back with a spasm, then she turned around to find Valentina standing behind her “Juliana right?” asked the girl.

“A…ha” 

“I'm glad you're here” she said, looking for something inside her brown eyes “Welcome and… I hope you keep coming” added the woman in a tone of voice a bit lower and then walked away in the direction of the door with nothing but a pretty smile on her face. 

Juliana decided then that things hadn't turned out so bad after all. Some people had even declined the offer to speak because they made it clear that no one was obligated and well... there was nothing to lose if she gave this thingy another chance. 

***

From then on, Tuesdays and Thursdays became her most anticipated days. 

Juliana still did not do much more than listen and sit in the same chair as everyone else did.

Well, everyone except Valentina.

She would sit in different places at each opportunity and many times after hearing someone talk about a hard day or a difficult moment, the brunette took her chair to stand next to the speaker in turn, give them a hug or hold their hand while their told their story. 

Now she understood the hubbub that had invaded the place with the arrival of this girl.

Juliana had been attending to this about six weeks and the effulgence that accompanied Valentina as she entered the room had not diminished a single lumen.

She was just concentrating on responding to a message from one of her top fabric suppliers before the meeting began when the sensation of someone occupying the space next to her became very clear. The dark-haired woman sent the last text before putting the device in her pocket ready to greet Sarita, the elderly lady who regularly sat next to her, but the ability to formulate any coherent statement escaped her the moment she discovered those blue eyes on her so closely. 

“Hello” greeted Valentina. 

“Hello” she answered trying to sound as calm as possible. 

“I hope Sarita doesn't get mad because I’m taking this place. Today I wanted to sit here, how are you?”

“Uhm, good” 

“I’m glad” 

The brunette gave her one last smile and turned her head where Rubén would begin to give his welcome speech in a few minutes. 

Juliana decided it would be very rude of her not to ask the same question back because well, it was just the right thing to do. 

“And you?” stammered in a barely audibly voice. 

Valentina turned her face to look at her again.

“Me?”

“Yeah, how are you?” inquired Juliana with little more assurance.

The brunette let out a long sigh and her expression of eternal enthusiasm was overshadowed for a second. 

"I've had better days," she replied with a shrug. 

Juliana pursed her lips not knowing what to say. Valentina seemed the type of person that nothing could sadden. It was the first time she had seen her a little down. 

"I'm so sorry" she offered honestly.

The brunette drew a smile again, but Juliana was not pleased to notice that it did not match her gaze. 

“Me too. But that's the way it is, don't you think? There are good, bad, worse and better days. It is about living them all, one by one. The highs and the lows.” 

The black-haired woman nodded because she couldn't agree more. One thing she had learned from her therapist was to believe in taking one day at a time. Everything passes, the good goes away, which was a devastating thought, but the bad would also disappear and that idea always gave her hope. 

“Yes ... that's how it is” murmured perhaps more to herself than to the other woman. 

Rubén appeared seconds later carrying a box with some objects inside. Juliana wasn't exactly a fan of the days when they had to do integration activities like this one. However, it was not bad to take some minutes to get to know a little more about these people who somehow had begun to feel like part of her routine. 

***

The activity hadn't been one of his favorites at all. 

The box had magazines, glue, and picture frames for them to rebuild a cute memory from their childhood with cutouts.

Juliana had very few of those.

She still felt the tension of having to 'make up' some story climbing up her neck, making her feel exhausted. 

A Hawaiian doll bought in a park was the best thing she had been able to come up with in such a short time and now the group had the image of a happy Juliana next to her father that not even herself dared to imagine.

“Do you need help with that?” asked Valentina taking her out of her inner conversation and pointing to the garbage that she still had to pick up. 

She had offered herself to sweep up the mess they had created. 

It was a nice habit that they had as a group. Volunteer to leave their space as clean as they found it when they arrived. 

“Well, I'm almost done, but ... could you bring me the dustpan?” She wasn't used to accept help, but she was working on it. That was the reason she was there after all, wasn't it?

Valentina did what Juliana asked of her and together they finished getting rid of the last scraps of paper lying on the floor, then they looked for their things, adjusted their jackets to cover the cold that awaited them outside and went to the exit while they talked of the funniest moments of the afternoon. 

“Hey Juliana” the brunette spoke suddenly “How about following this conversation somewhere else? Are you hungry?” 

“Ah, I don't know... I have some things to do for-

“Okay but ... But are you hungry?” insisted Valentina.

“A, a little yeah” she admitted “but it's still early so-

“Perfect. Then we go to dinner and from there you go home to do everything you have pending. What do you say?”

Valentina made a gesture, sticking her lower lip out in an exaggerated way and pleading with her eyes to accept her invitation. 

Juliana just couldn't say no to that. 

“Okay. But just for a little while because I still have to run some errands”

The brunette jumped with excitement before closing her hand over hers.

"Sure, sure ... we eat and then leave," she assured her as she pulled her in the direction of her car. 

Juliana concentrated on the contrast of tones between Valentina's skin and hers in an attempt to put aside the sensation that was born from the palm that was joined to the other girl’s and extended up towards her face and impregnated every pore of her skin until it slipped inside her body wrapping her chest with this warm veil that threatened to melt the layer of ice with which she had been protecting her heart for years. 

***

The brunette took her to a hamburger joint not too far from there because she had wanted some junk food for days and that was the first thing that came to her mind. Juliana wasn't much of that kind of food either, but she figured it wasn't bad from time to time.

It turned out that Valentina really loved talking not only in meetings but at any time of the day. She had been listening to her explaining the importance of art cinema for several minutes, and Juliana was enjoying watching her trying to make her points clearer. Not that she was going to refute anything because of all the subjects she could speak expertly on, movies weren’t one of them. 

“But in commercial cinema you can also find many good films, of course .... What would be your favorite, Juliana? Do you have any?”

The dark-haired woman felt discovered in her spacing out. 

“Ah ... no, uhm ... it's not something I've thought about, really. I could not tell you.” 

“No? It could be anyone ... I don't judge anyone's preferences. Unless it's an... Adam Sandler’s or Michael Bay’s movie or whatever.

Juliana giggled. 

“I don't even know who those are” 

“Well, that's ok. I mean, they're not bad for a hang out, but they're not exactly good. 

“I see” finished Juliana still surprised by her ability to generate words. 

“Hmm, I can see that it’s not exactly the subject that most catches your attention. Let's change it.” 

“Ok”

The brunette took a sip from her glass of water and narrowed her eyes trying to think of a new topic of conversation. 

“Tell me, what do you do?”

“I’m a fashion designer.” 

Valentina almost spat out the mouthful of food she was chewing, but managed to contain her surprise and passed it with difficulty.

“No” she exclaimed, dragging the 'o' for a couple of seconds while using her hand to cover her mouth.

“What's wrong?”

“Well, that's super cool. I bet you do some amazing designs; I like your style” 

“What style?” refuted Juliana, observing her own clothing.

She liked designing them, but for her normal life she preferred to dress comfortably. Jeans, low shoes, a jacket for the cold and a nice top. 

“Yours. It is relaxed but chic. Very Juls, I would say” 

“Well thanks. The truth is that my cousin and I still have a small business. Some gigs here and there. We want to grow, but I suppose we have to be patient” explained Juliana, surprising herself by sharing with Valentina things that she regularly didn’t. 

There was a moment of silence between the girls until the tallest of them opened her eyes as if the greatest of ideas had come to her mind.

“You know what? I would love to model something of yours. I mean, I'm not saying that's just why you're going to start having all the success you deserve but it could help” 

The dark-haired woman frowned, intrigued. 

“You are a model?” She asked genuinely interested and it was the brunette's turn to look at her skeptically.

“You didn’t know?”

“No”

“Oh, I thought that's why you had been watching me for so long the first day we met, that you had recognized me or something” 

Juliana started coughing upon hearing that. Her face had turned completely red and she was sure her choking on water had nothing to do with it. 

“Ah” she cleared her throat “I…” she coughed a little more “well I thought, uhm ... I did think I recognized you, but ... I wasn't one hundred percent sure so ... Ah, I didn’t say anything” she improvised the best she could. 

“I understand” said the brunette with a strange expression on her face “well, yes I am a model. Which is one of the reasons I ended up in that support group”

The black-haired woman was struck by the comment. And he knew that if she dared to investigate further, she would be opening the door to the possibility of Valentina raising the same question, but he could not stop herself. 

She didn't understand what it was about this woman that made her want to know everything about her. 

“What do you mean?”

The girl let out another sigh.

“Well, the constant traveling, the stress about how you look, the excesses that are presented before your eyes as a self-destructive buffet combined with certain family situations led me to hit rock bottom in the most unpleasant way. And I refused to change until my dad and my brothers made me see how low I had fallen. They looked for help, I accepted it, I found the group and then eventually ... life got better again.” 

The brunette shrugged when she finished her explanation. His crystalline eyes remained fixed on the table playing with the halo that his glass had drawn with its condensation on the surface, to later reconnect with Juliana's gaze. 

“And you? Why are you there?” She inquired after a few moments “if you wanna share, of course.” 

Juliana was completely silent as her index finger unconsciously traced the distance to the wet patterns that Valentina's strokes had left on the table, following the same path her long fingers had drawn. 

“I guess it’s because…” she didn't even have the courage to look at her “life never got better again.” 

***

The time to finish that impromptu dinner came a short time later. 

Valentina offered to pay the bill to which Juliana flatly refused until they agreed to divide it in half. 

When leaving the restaurant, the brunette thanked her for the company and without prior notice she wrapped her arms around her, tightening them in a way that was too intimate for two people who had technically just met; then she left a kiss on her cheek and said goodbye to her with the promise of seeing each other the following Tuesday. 

Juliana came home unable to shake from her skin the sensation of having touched Valentina's, the scent of her perfume slipping through her nostrils until it nested in her head, the beating of her heart that slowed and increased its rhythm with each look, each gesture, every smile of hers. 

She wasn't used to ... feel like this. Much less in such an untimely way and so sudden. And yes, Juliana liked girls, discovering and defending that had been part of the problem that had brought her life down, but what this particular woman awakened in her in so little time was too much and that scared her. 

She didn't like being afraid. 

Juliana decided to never return to the self-help group again. 

***

Then, weeks began to seem a little more boring. 

On Tuesdays and Thursdays there was nothing to look and that gave her the impresion that the days were suddenly getting way too long. 

Still, she was determined to return things to their usual course so she clung to her usual stubbornness, concentrating on her work and ignoring the comments of Renata who assured her that her mood had worsened a lot since she stopped attending those meetings.

Thinking of blue eyes like the sea and soft voice like wind chimes music was the last thing she needed.

Designing was the first thing on her list of priorities now. That her sketches seemed to be made for a figure with endless legs, tiny waist, slender arms, and snow-white like skin, had nothing to do with Valentina Carvajal, absolutely _nothing_. 

By the third month of this situation, Juliana was back in the safe place in which she lived before listening to her cousin and agreeing to be part of the support group. 

And things would surely have remained so relaxingly routinesque had it not been for the birthday party Renata threw for herself. 

Juliana preferred to stay away from situations where people drank too much but her cousin was very important to her. She did not want to snub her by not being present at the celebration of her 30 years when on previous occasions Renata had given up doing more than a quiet meeting with her friends in order not to put the dark-haired woman in a relapsing position.

She knew that her level of self-control was very high, so she would have to put it into practice to try to be a good cousin because Renata was simply dying for Juliana to meet her new boyfriend with whom she claimed to be in love like never before in her life. It was not the first time that he had heard such an assertion, but it was going to give her the benefit of the doubt because lately she was smiling all the time and seemed to walk like between clouds every time she finished a call with him. 

And that’s how she ended up sitting on the back of the sofa in the living room, doing her best role as host and welcome one by one the guests who little by little filled the apartment she shared with Renata and her fierce cat ‘Tlacoyo’, who had always been a threat for her cousin’s partners since Juliana had secretly trained him to attack men at the slightest provocation. 

The doorbell rang for the umpteenth time in the last two minutes and Juliana rolled her eyes before standing up, taking a deep breath and putting a slightly fake smile on her face ready to open the door. 

Finding Valentina Carvajal on the other side was something she would not have expected in a million years. 

Juliana froze at the image of the brunette looking as ethereally beautiful as ever. 

“I’m here!” announced a man with a thick beard before neither of the two women could say anything to each other. He looked a bit short of breath as he held a bottle of wine in one hand. "Hi, I'm Guillermo, Renata's boyfriend and she's my sister Valentina ... can we come in?" he asked cordially. 

"Uhm, of course ... Juliana," she introduced herself between stammers and then stepped aside and allowed them to enter. 

"Oh, you're Renata’s cousin, right?"

‘Yeah, I ... uhm ... I am. She's over there” she pointed to the spot where Renata was chatting with a group of friends. 

Guillermo followed the indicated direction, leaving the two women as lonely as it could be in a place full of people. 

“Long time no see, Juliana” spoke the brunette breaking the uncomfortable silence that found for its own space between them, even though the music seemed to occupy everything “and what a coincidence to find each other again like this, don't you think?”

“I ... well ... the world sometimes turns out to be very small.”

“Yeah”

“Do you want-, I suppose you came to meet Renata, do you want to go with her?” she offered not knowing what to do at this moment and wishing with all her soul to have the opportunity to hide inside her room. 

Valentina smiled in response. 

“Sure, you coming?”

“I-”

The bell rang again, literally saving Juliana with its timing.

She pointed towards the door, letting the other girl know that she should do her duty before. 

The brunette nodded a couple of times before disappearing into the groups of people that gathered in the room that looked increasingly chaotic. 

Juliana appreciated this opportunity and after allowing of a group of four friends to join the party, she desperately ran to the kitchen to try to take refuge there without disappearing completely. 

Being in that place allowed her to watch who entered from the Livingroom and had a dark corridor nearby to hide in case of being necessary. 

And everything would have worked perfectly if not for the moment of distraction generated by refilling her glass with water. There was no way to do it without turning her back on the entrance so she was surprised by the voice of Valentina approaching her from behind. 

“Are you planning to spend the whole night hiding here?” asked the woman, with a bit of sarcasm. 

The dark-haired girl gave a tiny jump knowing she had been caught, but she turned around trying not to look affected. 

“Hey, hi, what do you mean ‘hiding’?”

“Well, the party is out there and you’re here serving ice and showing people where the bathroom is, do you dislike the idea of running into me so much?”

“Wh-, no! No! Not at all ... I ... well, I prefer not to be around people who are drinking and ... is, is… you know.”

The other girl stared at her skeptically.

“Got it. But it's a matter of self-control, don't you think?”

“Yes, I ... that exactly. But it's ... awkward ... sometimes.”

“It is. But Guille was very excited for me to meet his girlfriend so I couldn't say no. I’ve never seen him so happy before. 

“Really?”

“Totally”

Valentina leaned against the kitchen counter and Juliana did the same. 

“That’s good. Because Renata is very excited about him and I'm glad to know that he also takes her seriously.”

That was true. Juliana might be younger than Renata, but since they had decided to live by their own, she was the one who regularly ended up watching over her cousin's well-being and didn't like to see her heartbroken over a partner. 

“Yeah. And that's something I hadn't seen with Guille before either. But I guess that's what love is like, right? Finding the one”

Juliana said nothing for an instant. 

That was a topic she didn't like to talk about. 

"Love is trash" she murmured absently. 

“What?!” exclaimed Valentina with a hint of disbelief in her tone. 

“Huh?”

“Do you seriously think that love is trash?”

Oh. Then she had heard her. 

“Yup” 

“Love is not trash, Juls.”

“Except it is”

“Didn't you just say that your cousin is very in love with my brother?” 

“It works for some people. But it is not for me” she argued.

“How do you know? Have you ever been in love?”

Juliana was silenced by the question. No, she never had. There was a time when love seemed the only way out of her nightmare but not anymore.

“Never. And it won’t happen”

“How can you say that?”

“I have my reasons”

“Can you explain them to me?”

Juliana tensed the muscles in her jaw. Her motives lived buried in her memory and there they were going to stay. 

“No”

“See? Not because of a bad experience you should discard the idea of love. There are different people and with whom it is worth falling in love with”

“But I don't want to fall in love”

“That's not something you can decide on”

“I can”

“No, you can’t” 

“But I do” 

“Why are you so stubborn?”

The brunette straightened up to face the other girl. Close, very close to her. 

Juliana saw her gaze fall on her mouth and then recompose its path towards her eyes but she decided to ignore the little tingling that she felt on her lips and answered with a shrug, receiving an exasperated sigh from the woman in front of her. 

“Go out with me” proposed Valentina all of the sudden. 

“What?”

“You and me, on a date ... or, or many”

“And what does this have to do with the other? Do you think I'm going to fall in love with you?” she challenged. 

“I don’t know. That’s not something I can decide either. But I want to go out with you” she repeated closing the distance between the two a little more. “I was going to ask you the next group night, but you didn't show up anymore and well, it’s ok if you say no, I just didn't want to keep the idea going around in my head and risk that you find a way to disappear again”

And there it was again, that feeling of warmth rising from her stomach, hugging her heart, seizing her chest, fighting a battle against her greatest traumas. The possibility of being the cause of Valentina's sadness, adding to that long list of fears.

“Okay” she said finally “on one condition”

“I’m listening” 

“You can't fall in love with me” 

Valentina laughed.

“With just one date? It sounds a little presumptuous, don’t you think? What if we don't get past that first one?” she said mockingly but her smile disappeared when she noticed the seriousness with which Juliana was speaking. “OK. But you can’t either” 

"No problem with that," she replied somewhat smugly, causing the brunette to smile again. 

“Perfect. It's a deal”

“Yes”

"Great ... uhm," Valentina hesitated before continuing. "Can I have your number?"

The girls exchanged ways of contacting each other to make sure they would follow what was agreed between them before rejoining the party.

Juliana no longer felt consumed by nerves as had happened since the girl's arrival at her apartment. Now she had a date with Valentina scheduled and the promise of not feeling anything close to love. 

***

The reunion happened just a few days later. 

Valentina suggested a little fancier dinner in where Juliana had a lot of fun listening to the latest details of the group. The departures of people who finally felt they had the strength to move on, the arrival of new members who sought the support that Juliana felt from the beginning, the endless Rubén's integration games, and how much Valentina had missed Juliana's presence all these months. 

The dark-haired girl felt a little guilty about the pretexts that came to her mind to justify that she had stopped attending so abruptly just the night after having accompanied Valentina to dinner. And although she looked for thousands of ways to cover her true reasons, the other woman’s doubtful look told her that she was seeing through each one of her words, but that she had decided not to delve further into it. 

Juliana was very grateful for that.

Dinner ended a few hours later with another mild discussion about who would take care of the bill. 

This time Valentina used the argument that it was she who proposed the date, the time and the place, so it was only natural that she was the one who gave all the money. 

"How about you pay next week when we go to the movies?"

It was what the brunette said to finish convincing her. A mischievous expression settled on her face.

Juliana was left speechless mostly because Valentina had just made a second date out of nowhere and, to tell the truth, she thought it was a fantastic idea.

“OK. OK”

Valentina’s smile quickened her pulse making her remember the reason why she had fled from this sensation so many months ago. 

The problem was that the more she saw the brunette, Juliana became more addicted to that feeling. 

The erratic beating of her heart, the clumsiness of her movements when she knew herself as the object of her crystalline gaze, the comfort that invaded her when she hugged her, the bristling of her skin when she felt her hot breath hit her neck where Valentina settled herself every time they had the opportunity to put their arms around each other.

Juliana discovered with the passing of the days, and the dates _,_ that the brunette was a very touchy-feely person. 

Sometimes they were in a line waiting to get somewhere or pay something at the mall and Valentina would turn around just to throw herself at her, taking refuge in the space between her face and her shoulder until it was time to move again.

She had also noticed that she liked to hold her hands while they talked, keeping them together on the table where they were sitting or intertwining their fingers while they walked through the places the visited. And, under the argument that Juliana always had cold hands, Valentina liked to held on to her with more force as if trying to prevent her from letting go, before placing their joined hands inside her jacket pockets to keep them both warm. 

The black-haired woman couldn't find a way to refuse that and frankly, she didn't want to. 

“So ... what did you think of Mariel's creations” Valentina spoke as they walked towards the brunette’s car. 

Tonight, the blue-eyed woman had invited her to a gallery where one of her best friends was presenting her most recent collection of sculptures.

Juliana never really understood the concept of abstract art and believed that the millions that were paid for pieces like the ones she found in that exhibition, and the compliments she heard in there, came from a rather elitist culture. 

But who was she to judge something she actually knew very little about. Perhaps there was much more to those strange figures that Valentina's friend had molded and she was simply too dumb to notice. 

“Ah, they are ... interesting” it was the fastest she could think “Valentina made a sound similar to a poorly contained laugh, turning it into a kind of snore “What?” asked Juliana giving a slight squeeze to the hand that was kept warm inside Valentina’s coat pocket. 

"You didn't like them," she said, still walking. 

It was not a question.

“Of course I did!” refuted Juliana “it's just ... uhm ...”

“They don't make sense” Valentina completed unceremoniously.

“I did not say that!”

“But you thought it. I saw your face in there every time you heard someone talk about the sculptures. It was funny”

“Well, I-”

“Don’t worry. I'm sure the majority of us feel that way. Those people wanting to be interesting with their elaborate words and technicisms are nothing more than snobs. Do you know how my friend defines he work?” she asked rhetorically “madness, chaos, darkness” 

_Oh_

“Well ... being that way, now they make sense” 

“Right? but people like to talk about techniques, angles, specters and passions just to seem more interesting. Appearances, only appearances” 

“I see” 

The girls didn't say anything else for a while. The sound of their footsteps falling on the puddles created by the light drizzle and the passing of cars on the wet street were their only companions on this freezing night. 

“I've never understood that, you know?” spoke Valentina, interrupting the silence. 

The beeping of her car unlocking echoing through the dark alleys of the city. 

“What exactly?”

“Why do people like to pretend to be something they are not?” she asked again, stopping by the vehicle to stand in front of her, letting go of Juliana's hand, making her suddenly felt empty and cold all over.

Juliana reflected for a few seconds.

“I don't know” she finally answered shrugging “I guess sometimes it's better than facing the truth”

Valentina let out a short sigh, letting the seconds disappear between their gazes. Something more hidden in hers, a little bit of doubt, uncertainty, and then determination. 

“Listen” started the brunette “I was thinking ... You uhm ... would you like to go to my place tonight?” 

Juliana's chest began to rumble from the force with which her heart was pumping blood through her body. 

That was a line she didn't want to cross. 

Go to her department, make it more personal, understand what could happen there if she accepted. 

“I…”

“It's ... we can watch a movie, have a coffee or tea if you prefer, we don't have to... it's, you don't even have to stay... I just… don't want to say goodbye ... yet”

The way the brunette had made the proposal, her voice practically turned into a whisper, her pink cheeks perhaps from the cold, perhaps from the daring words, her lower lip between her teeth in a sign of nervousness, her fragile and tender gaze that disarmed Juliana completely.

Juliana was not strong enough to refuse such a thing. 

“Okay” she breathed out “let’s go” 

Valentina's blue eyes brightened with her answer and that spirited way of speaking that she had known her stayed with her throughout the entire trip to her apartment, as they went up in the elevator, when opening the door for her and then giving her a short tour in her home, chatting with her while making tea for both of them with Juliana sitting on one of the high benches of the bar, her chin resting on the palm of her hand watching her move like fish in the water in that modern kitchen, and even sitting on the couch before choosing what they would watch tonight. 

They opted for a classic film that Valentina defined as a cult movie, whatever that meant, and settled together on the sofa covered by the blanket that the brunette had in that place for her Netflix nights. 

Juliana was trying to pay attention, however, her senses seemed to be too awake and aware of every movement, every sound, every detail of the brunette next to her. It wasn't even the first time they'd been this close, but it all felt so domestic, so ... right. 

Then, Valentina moved and rested the total weight of her body on Juliana's, who had chosen to sit up by the edge of the couch trying to have a safe distance with the other girl, but turned out to be a problem because she ended up being cornered. Valentina positioned herself in such way that Juliana had no choice but to rearrange herself on the seat, her back resting on the armrest to allow Valentina to accommodate better against her torso and between her legs. 

Juliana was sure in this position Valentina could feel the thunder of her heart against her back and her shaky breath caressing her hair. 

“You ok?” Asked Valentina turning enough to look her in the eye. 

The black-haired woman managed to nod.

“Yeah… why?”

“You seem a little... tense. Does it bother you?” She questioned again referring to her current position. 

Juliana shook her head no. 

Valentina did not turn her attention back to the screen and instead her full concentration fell to the other girl's mouth just as it had happened the night of the party, and when she began to move towards her so slowly that the whole world seemed to be moving at such speed, Juliana stopped breathing. 

The first brush of lips felt almost unreal. 

“What are you doing?” whispered Juliana trying to remind herself that this couldn't be.

“I just want to...

The sentence was left unfinished because their mouths rejoined with a hint of more confidence.

Valentina used her hands to hold Juliana's face, fearing that she would pull away, but truth was that the dark-haired woman had completely lost her ability to reason. 

That voice that tried to put a stop to everything that the brunette made her feel had become almost non-existent with the passing of the months spent next to her until reaching this moment when no matter how hard she tried to gather the strength to stop, there was no sound in her ears other than the one their lips touching each other, separating, and re-merging with increasing persistence created.

Valentina moved up without breaking their union to sit astride her, her arms ran delicately over her shoulders until they closed behind her back creating a trap with her body from which Juliana had no intention of escaping. 

“Juls, _please no”_ implored the brunette when she felt her breaking contact, but the only thing on the other woman's mind was to refill her lungs with air to continue kissing her, this time running down her neck at the same time that her fingers slipped under Valentina's blouse and advanced to the top of her body, dragging the soft fabric in their wake until she was naked from the waist up. 

Valentina's hands did not stay still either. 

Her desperate movements began to strip her of everything that separated her from the heat that Juliana's skin gave her and her nails, involuntarily perhaps, left red marks by her ribs, her arms, her back as if she needed her as close as possible.

Juliana pushed herself forward to deposit her on the couch with the subtlety that she imagined a woman as delicate as the one in front of her should be treated.

“You too” said Valentina, going through the strap of her bra to the clasp that kept it covering her body and she got rid of it with an expert movement before cupping her breasts, making Juliana shiver with the mixture of desperation and delicacy with which Valentina caressed her. 

It was not the first time that Juliana was with someone this way, but the explosion of sensations that Valentina was causing was totally unknown territory for her “Come” indicated the brunette, freeing her breasts to hug her and bring her on top of her using the weight of her body. 

A sound loaded with pure desire was ripped from Juliana’s throat when she felt their chests rub each other for the first time, and she continued kissing Valentina while she used her long, milky legs and slender hands to get rid of Juliana’s jeans wanting to feel every inch of skin touching hers. 

And when they were both completely naked, Juliana began to walk through her body with everything she could. The tips of her fingers making their way through each muscle that was marked with the tension that her gentle caresses caused, the palms of her hands appreciating the exquisiteness of her contours, the skin of her lips that sought the areas where she could generate the most erotic sounds she had ever heard in her life, the tip of her nose that delighted in Valentina’s fragrance enveloping them both in this cloud of passion that she felt was consuming her from the inside out, the moisture of her tongue that caused shivers wherever it passed and her marveling gaze that hardly dared to observe the majesty of that sculpture that could only have been molded by the gods using stardust and full moon water.

Juliana would have wanted for all that to mean nothing. That each kiss, each caress she gave her, her fingers provoking her from head to toe until she exploded around them and on her mouth were only a product of the huge attraction that existed between them from the first moment. 

That Valentina taking her time to drive her crazy with her soft but risky touches until taking her to the peak of satisfaction, prolonging her pleasure with her daring smiles and her experienced movements, would imply nothing more than the final explosion of all that tension that they had been building up for months, but it wasn't like that. 

Juliana knew that what they had just done together, and what they had lived through for so long, was much more than she should ever have allowed. 

Valentina settled on her chest when she felt the last flashes of her orgasm leave Juliana’s body. The latter using the blanket to protect her from the coolness of the night as Valentina was her own blanket and kissed her forehead, unable stop her emotions from pouring out of her. 

Both letting the silence relax their senses, returning the beating of their hearts to their regular rhythm in synchrony.

On the screen there were only white letters rolling on a black background and an unknown melody accompanying the quietness that prevailed in the room. 

“Why didn't you go back to the meetings?” murmured the brunette without moving a bit, even after several minutes.

The dark-haired girl had been so relaxed that she was brought back from an impeding slumber with the question.

"Val," she whispered with a lack of words.

“Was it because of me?” her voice sounded terribly fragile right now. 

“No ... I ... it was because of… me” 

Valentina released the air from her lungs in a long sigh and then lifted her face, resting her chin on the back of her left hand while using her right to run it for Juliana's features.

“You’re really pretty” she said between smiles “I liked you since I caught you looking at me that first day. 

Juliana smiled when she heard her and the other woman took the opportunity to trace her smile with her finger. 

“ _You_ are pretty” she answered kissing the silky tip of her index finger “beautiful... like no one else.” 

Valentina bit her own lower lip to stop herself from smiling too much and Juliana used her thumb to free it because seeing her happy was the most beautiful work of art. 

"I love you," confessed Valentina in a whisper, her blue eyes searching her chocolate ones. 

The words fell like a bucket of cold water on Juliana and the brunette must have noticed that something was wrong, because her expression changed to one of concern in the blink of an eye.

The air became too suffocating for Juliana, the walls seemed to get incredibly closer and the nakedness of her and Valentina's bodies had begun to bother her. 

The other girl pulled away from her when she noticed that she was looking for space and her face was filled with fear when she saw her start to pick up her clothes and put each garment back in its place. 

“Juls ... what's up?”

“I have to go”

“But...” She tried to speak at the while wrapping the blanket around her body to cover herself. 

“I have things to do”

“Is this, is this because of what I told you?” asked Valentina as the black-haired woman put on her shoes without the socks to go towards the door but Valentina grabbed by the arm delicately trying to stop her “is it because of what I told you?”

Juliana dropped her shoulders and turned around. She didn't have the courage to look her in the eye. 

“I thought we had a deal, Valentina”

“A deal?”

“At the party, remember? You said you wouldn't fall in love with me.”

“Are you serious right now?” she asked, placing her hands on her hips. 

She seemed incredulous of what she was hearing. 

“Very. We had agreed to something and you didn’t follow through” snapped the shorter woman. 

Valentina laughed humorlessly and shook her head. 

“That ... that was a silly game, Juliana. No one can choose that, no one can decide when or for whom to fall in love” 

“And I told you that _I_ can” she imitated her challenging position. 

"Sure, and that's why you could avoid falling in love with me, right?" she threw back. 

The statement took Juliana by surprise leaving her with her mouth open and her heart wanting to leave her chest. 

“I don't love you” mumbled Juliana seconds later and she hated herself, she hated saying that because Valentina seemed as if he had just slapped her and it was breaking her soul to be the one causing that pain. 

“You do, Juliana, that’s something that can’t be hidden. I know it by how you look at me, how you touch me or how you hug me. I could feel it in the way we just made love.”

“That was just sex, Valentina. It didn’t mean anything.” 

Each word was heard with a voice she didn’t recognize because she did couldn’t believe that it was her saying all that. 

“It meant everything, Juliana” retorted the brunette with fire coming out of her eyes “it _means_ everything because we love each other. And no, it was not my intention to fall in love with Miss Cold Heart, but it happened, I did, I fell in love with the way you are, with how well you treat me, with how sensitive you are deep down, how vulnerable you allow yourself to be when I am with you and with how you make me feel when I am next to you. I didn't choose it, but I let it happen because you're so easy to love and it breaks my heart that you don't see it that way. 

Juliana gritted her teeth unable to keep listening. 

“How can you say you love me if you don't even know me? You don't know who I really am or my past.”

“Then let me do it. Let me to cross that door that you have here” she placed her open palm on Juliana's chest, just above where an agitated heartbeat answered the call of the hand that she loved to have between hers “I want to know who you are” 

“Yeah? Is that you want?” asked Juliana challenging the other woman with an ironic smile because she was about to show her that part of her life that she herself hated with passion “Do you really want to know what’s in there?” The other girl looked hesitant, but nodded anyway “Fine, then you're gonna need to get dressed ... and your car keys.”

Valentina followed her instructions and together they went back down to the parking lot. 

The icy wind from outside hitting the skin that they still had covered in tender caresses and soft kisses that didn’t rhyme with the cruelty of the winter and Juliana's words. 

The dark-haired girl guided Valentina through the city until the avenues and streets took the shape of the place that she avoided visiting even in her mind. 

“It’s here” announced Juliana when they reached the housing unit building “There’s a small parking lot around the corner.” 

Valentina turned the wheel in that direction.

“Where are we?” Asked the taller girl after turning off the engine. 

"My past," answered Juliana.

Neither of them said anything else. 

She took a bunch of keys out of her bag and walked briskly up some dimly lit stairs so as not to lose the courage to keep going and show Valentina why she couldn't love her.

The faster the better.

Her hands shook as he tried to open the door making the task twice as difficult. She had not come here for months. Not since the last crisis that had led her to the meetings where she met the woman who was with her now. 

Valentina entered seconds after Juliana and her eyes began to roam around the place, the scrapped walls, the old furniture that clearly had not been used in years. 

Her skin crawled at the gloomy feeling that permeated the apartment. 

Juliana watched her attentively while approaching the walls where the few paintings she had decided to leave there were and lightly touch the back of the armchairs, the table, and then turn towards her. 

“What’s this place?” she questioned again. 

The dark-haired woman took a deep breath looking for some courage. 

“This... is where my father killed my mother” 

The way in which the impact of the news took hold of Valentina's face was evident. Valentina seemed not to believe the information as her eyes had stopped blinking and she was covering her mouth in horror. 

That, _that_ was what Juliana always brought with her story. 

Horror. Not love. 

“Juliana-”

“They argued all the time” she said “I don’t remember days of peace. I suppose they existed, but my mind is cruel with me and always chooses those full of screaming and violence. Every time it happened Lupe said that we would go away, that that was it, that it was time to seek for a better life, to live free, without fear. But Chino would return in the afternoon with a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates, a face of false regret that my mother could barely see through her swollen eyes and begged her for forgiveness, he assured her that it would not happen again, that he loved her more than anyone in the world and that was how he was... passionate, rapturous, but honest. And my mom forgave him every time. When I asked her why, she said that that's how love was, that love forgives and believes” Juliana let a few seconds pass before continuing “He never loved me, you know? Chino, he ... he never believed I was his and I wish it was true. I wish his blood didn't run through my veins. I hate knowing that I have his last name, that something connects me to that man” 

Juliana approached the column where a photograph of her with her mother used to hang and caressed the rectangular mark that had been left as the only memory that there ever was a happy girl who might have almost nothing, but had at least her mother's love. 

“I was 16 years old the day that Lupe asked me if there wasn't a 'boy' that I liked” she imitated the way her mother used to say that word, bringing a bittersweet smile to her lips “I should have lied, I should have made up a name but I was selfish and I... took the opportunity to confess that I was attracted to girls the way I should be about boys. She didn’t say anything... she didn't have the time. Chino appeared from this corridor” she pointed that way “screaming that in his family there would not be any freak. Lupe tried to stop him, but he was too strong and I didn't even see the blow coming. I ended up on the ground, I hit my head on the floor and everything started to spin around. The only thing that comes to mind is my mom coming over to check on me and the warmth of her hands being ripped off of me to defend herself from his fists, his kicks, his hard voice blaming her for raising me poorly, she asking him to stop... and then, silence came.

I thought it was over. I thought that like the other times he had exhausted himself and gone to some bar and later for his bouquet of flowers, so I let the heaviness I felt in my eyes win the battle because the pain I felt inside my skull was unbearable. Then I woke up in a hospital room with Renata's parents watching over me. He beat her to death, Val.” 

She felt a tingling on her face and when she touched the skin she realized that were the tears that came from his eyes and gathered on her chin before falling to the ground. 

“Juls” murmured Valentina taking a step towards her, but Juliana took one back, the wounded look the brunette gave her cut her deep “Juls, I am very sorry ... I didn’t know of course and it’s, it’s ... a tragedy, but neither your mother nor you deserved this, but ... it was not, _it's not_ your fault. 

"I don't want your pity Valentina," she warned severely. 

“And that is not what I intend to give you, Juliana. I already told you before and I’ll say it again. I _love_ you. I love _you_. 

“But how can you say that me after knowing this? After knowing what I did.” 

“Nothing was your fault, you were a girl, you didn't do anything.”

“That is the problem, can’t you see? I didn't do _anything_... I could have called a doctor, the police, asked the neighbors for help ... but I passed out, I stopped fighting to stay awake. What if Lupe fought for her life while I was out? 

“You can't know that”

“And it eats my soul not to do so”

“Juls ...” the brunette threw herself to her, wrapping her in her arms, offering her a refuge in them.

Juliana allowed herself to feel safe hidden in her body for an instant, but everything had to come to an end. 

“I... I'm too broken, Val” She delicately took her arms to move her away from her, feeling at the same like she was ripping a piece of herself “I can't love, I don't want to... and I don't want you to love me.”

“Juliana, we can...”

“No. We can't… we can’t because I don't love you, and I never will”

Valentina's face fell apart and Juliana cursed herself for breaking the heart of the only person who had made her feel alive since she lost her mother, for hurting her with her lies. 

But it was for the better.

The love Juliana had to give was not good for anyone, much less someone as pure as Valentina, because her love was destructive, violent, selfish. Her pretty girl with blue eyes deserved someone who would love her the way she couldn’t _._

“Go away, Valentina... let's not see each other anymore.”

“Is that your last word?”

Juliana didn't say anything else and the other woman must have interpreted that as a yes because she left without saying anything else. 

After that, Juliana didn't even allow herself to cry. 

***

“You _do_ realize that you’re making a mistake, right?” asked Renata looking at her from the other side of the table where they were sharing breakfast. 

Juliana had barely survived a few weeks away from Valentina and she missed her so much. The thought that she was doing her a favor was the only thing stopping her from running to her apartment and apologizing on her knees.

“No, I don’t” 

“It’s wrong to believe you are guilty of what happened to your family, Juliana. Macario was a violent man and Aunt Lupe had to look for-”

"Don't you dare blame my mother," she warned, defensively. 

“I'm not” assured her cousin “What I’m trying to say is that, if we have to look for culprits, there is no scenario in which your name will appear on that list.” 

“You don’t know that.”

“It’s because I know that I'm telling you. Don’t weight yourself with something that wasn’t your fault. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting, Juliana. Being happy does not mean leaving your mom behind. It only means that it’s time to let yourself heal. For her, for you. Aunt Lupe would be happy to know that you found someone to love and who loves you back as much as you do. 

They finished eating in silence because Juliana did not want to hear more about it. Renata did the dishes, then went to her room and left the apartment minutes later for another date with Guillermo. 

For the first time in a long time, Juliana felt that loneliness bothered her because there was no pretty girl with beautiful blue eyes to occupy all her spaces and fill all her silences.

She went into her bedroom to put on her shoes, picked whatever coat she found there, and walked aimlessly around the city. 

She had been feeling exhausted for days. 

Despite being inside her room almost all the time, sleeping was the last thing she wanted to do because closing her eyes meant remembering Valentina's sad face when she asked her to leave. 

_It's better this way, it's better this way._

She thought.

Perhaps one day she would come to believe it herself. 

The anxiety of not knowing what she was doing washed over her all of the sudden. She did not want to be away from the brunette, but Valentina needed someone who could love her with their whole heart and not a broken one like hers. 

Her steps led her to the first convenience store she found and she took two bottles of tequila from the shelf without thinking too much. Then she walked to the checkout and waited nervously for the customer in front of her to finish paying for their stuff. Her hands fiddled with the debit card as she debated whether to continue this madness or not. 

“Next” said the cashier asking her to come to pay for the liquor. 

She stared at the bottles and the need to feel that liquid sliding over her tongue and down her throat won the battle. 

She asked for a paper bag because she didn't want the world to watch her fall again. She didn't want to feel the stares judging her decisions, that disappointment in the eyes of the passersby that surely lived only in her head but felt so personal. Then she got into a taxi and gave the driver the address she hated so much. 

After opening the door, she put the tequila on the coffee table and went to the kitchen to get a glass from the cabinets before settling on the dusty carpet. 

The sound of the first bottle being opened and the smell of alcohol reaching her nostrils awakened each of her senses causing her to start an internal fight to decide the next step. 

Juliana began to tremble with the need of getting get away from that drink that only meant to rekindle the agony that her open wounds brought her, but also with the chance of forgetting for a few hours the pain that would never go away while being sober, not if Valentina was not there to help her to vanish all her sorrows with her pretty smile and bright eyes. 

She brought the glass to her lips and the heat of the liquor invading her taste buds, sliding rapidly down her throat and burning everything in its path was what made her finally burst into tears. 

Juliana curled up on the ground so she could hug and stop herself from collapsing completely. 

No more. She didn't want more, but her body was remembering what it was like to have it in her system and now it was demanding more of that. 

'One sip, just one more sip and that's it,' said a part of her.

'You know it's not going to be a drink; you know it won't be like that' answered her rational side, the one that also made her take out her phone and search among her contacts for the name of the only person she longed more than her body needed alcohol right now. 

She didn't even notice when she hit the call button. 

“Hello?” her cute voice cut through her overwhelmed thoughts like a lighthouse in the middle of a brutal storm, but Juliana did not know what to say, what to _do_. Not after what she had told her in this very place some days ago “Juliana?” insisted the brunette, but a sob was the only sound that came out of her throat “Juls? What's wrong? Are you okay?

"No, Val," stammered the dark-haired woman making it sound more like a lament.

“Where are you? 

"I'm so sorry," begged Juliana because that was the only phrase that came to her mind when she thought of her. 

“Juls, tell me where you are.”

“In my past, Val. And I don’t wanna be here anymore” 

“Okay, I'm going there right now. Don't hang up on me, stay with me. I’m on my way”

“I bought alcohol, Val. I’m so sorry.” 

“Juliana, is fine. It’s ok. I'm on my way. Do you think you can wait and not drink until I get there? Can you Juls?

“I don't know, Val”

“Try it, yes? For me?”

Nothing

There was _nothing_ in the world that Juliana wouldn’t do for her Val. 

“OK. I’m gonna, ok?, but don't take too long. 

The other girl stayed on the phone to distract her while buying time until her arrival and when she finally got to Juliana's old apartment, she knelt next to her embracing her and Juliana clung to her as if her life depended on that embrace because in the end that was not so far from the truth.

“I'm here” she whispered pressing her tightly against her chest “I'm already here baby, it’s ok, you did good, and you’re safe now, with me… everything will be fine, I promise you everything will be all right” 

“I'm so sorry, Val. I failed us” she apologized snuggling closer “but don't leave me, _please_.” 

“Never my love, never” said Valentina starting to shed some tears that fell from her eyes an wetting the other’s woman dark hair. 

Juliana burst into tears when she heard that and allowed herself to be surrounded by the peace that being in Valentina’s arms gave her. They both remained in that position, united as humanly as possible while subtly rocking back and forth trying to comfort each other.

"Val?" whispered Juliana after a moment, her voice huskier than normal. 

“Yeah?”

“Val I ... I…”

She still didn't gather the courage to say anything. 

The brunette kissed her forehead before answering for her. 

“You love me, don't you?” She asked with a small voice.

“Very much, Val. With all my heart. I’m sorry for saying I didn’t. I’m so sorry.”

“Shh, we’ll talk later, okay?”

Neither of them said anything more.

There would be time for that, for both actually, enough time to talk… and enough time to love. 

***

The first thing Juliana did when things began to take their rightful course was to have her family's old apartment repaired and put it for sale. 

It was good heritage, but there were memories in it that she did not want to preserve.

The good times, the ones that filled her chest with good nostalgia she kept them safely in her heart and they would never go away. 

The second thing was to return to the self-help group led by Rubén to suffer his integration activities that she loved as much as she hated. 

She still didn't say much, but at least she spoke from time to time and Valentina continued to be the soul of those reunions, offering her honest hug or a hand to hold to other members when they passed through a rocky part of their history, but most of the time it was her girlfriend's hand that remained intertwined with hers. 

She was back in therapy and still working on accepting all the love that the brunette gave her, which was quite strange because the other way around, showing Valentina with her silent gestures and genuine details how much she felt for her seemed like the simplest and most natural thing in the universe. 

It's a process, the psychologist had told her. Just let it happen.

And that's just what she was trying to do. Stop wanting to control what was out of her hands and take care of actually take care of what she could in the best possible way. 

It wasn’t easy, but she was not giving up anytime soon. 

She had a family that cared about her, a girlfriend who loved her, a career that promised, and a future to look forward to. 

The news that Renata was going to move in with Guille did not surprise her at all. Her cousin hardly showed up by the apartment these days and it was quite logical, except for the terrible relationship Valentina's brother had with Tlacoyo. That had disaster written all over it, but she wouldn’t be the one to say it. 

The search for a new roommate was proving fruitless as people who seemed nice had terrible credit backgrounds and those who had no problems with it looked like the creepiest individuals in the world. 

“Come live with me” suggested Valentina one day during a post-orgasmic idyll while in the brunette’s room.

“What?”

“I know there are a lot of jokes about lesbians and u-hauls but Juls, you spend more time here than in your apartment. I have a section of my closet just for you, your shower things are in my bathroom, I have many of your design things in the living room, you have your own key. What difference does it make to make it official once and for all?”

Okay, all of that was true, but Juliana still felt a bit reserved about it. 

“Val”

“I know you worry about personal space, but look ... I have an extra room that nobody uses. We can make it your bedroom so you don't have to worry about it. It will be your own space for when one of us throws a tantrum.” 

“You are the more likely to do that that I am and aside that, honestly, I don’t want to impose.”

The other girl let out a laugh that reverberated through the walls and then settled herself back on top of Juliana. Her head resting on her hands over the other girl’s chest. 

“It won’t be like that”. There is no need to pay rent because the place is mine, but if it makes you feel more comfortable you can take care of the bills or some of them so you will be contributing to something” She explained “If it was for me that would not be necessary, however, I understand your motives and respect them. Like, Juls, of course we could find a new roommate for you, but wouldn’t be that just delaying the inevitable? I mean, if I think about my life ten, twenty, fifty years from now, the first person that comes to mind it's you, what would be wrong with starting our happily ever after once and for all? When you decide that you are _completely_ ready to live together, _together,_ that room can become I don't know, your study. 

Juliana stroked her cheek. The joy she felt right now did not fit in her chest. 

For her there was no future where she and Valentina did not end the rest of their lives together either. 

“Or a nursery” she suggested unable to stop herself because love had her seeing the world full of rainbows, puppies and unicorns lately.

Who would have thought? Not her for sure

The brunette smiled widely with her eyes narrowing at the edges and her lower lip being caught by her teeth only for Juliana to pull it gently as she normally did. 

“Or that too” confirmed Valentina putting her elbows on the mattress to reach her lips and slowly go down her neck kiss by kiss to that area that made Juliana react. 

The brunette smiled when she heard that noise mix of pleasure, desire and torture that it was her intention to generate. 

That baby thing wasn't a bad idea, maybe a couple of them. After several years, of course.

And although they were both very aware that this was not the way they could have one of those, they lost nothing, and much gained, by trying.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing some fics in that buggy orange app and well, this one is my first solo story in here. English is not my first language (@LabiosdeMaca thanks for the help) but I wanted to give ao3 a try.


End file.
